Navigating Pregnancy Loss: Grief & Support (Finley's Story)

Hello, dear listeners. I'm Katie Kurpanek, the host of the All Things Sustainable podcast. Today, I'm sharing an episode that is deeply personal and raw, one that comes from a place of vulnerability and love.

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month in the US, and it feels like the right time to have this conversation. In this episode, I'm stepping away from our usual format to share my own journey through pregnancy loss, particularly in the wake of my recent loss with baby Finley.

This is not an easy episode to create, but my hope is that by sharing my thoughts and experiences, I can provide solace, understanding, and support to those who have faced or are facing pregnancy loss. You are not alone in this, and I want to help bridge the gap between the silence that often surrounds this topic and the need for open, honest conversations.

I'll do my best to share the reality of this process without going into graphic detail, and I offer a trigger warning for a specific part of the episode. Many people, like myself before my first loss, have little to no idea of what a miscarriage truly entails. It's a topic that affects so many (statistically 1 in 4 pregnancies), yet it remains kept in silence.

For those who have not experienced a miscarriage but are willing to learn and understand so they can better support their loved ones, I'm here to help. My platform allows me to reach thousands of listeners, and I believe it's essential to use this reach to break the taboo-silence.

Pregnancy loss, no matter when it occurs, encompasses not just the loss of a fetus but also the loss of dreams and hopes, and it takes a lasting physical and emotional toll on one's body. No part of this experience is small or insignificant. It's a journey that leaves lasting imprints biologically and psychologically.

Thank you for joining me in this conversation, and I hope that by sharing Finley's story and my own, we can shed light on this often-neglected aspect of what it's like to be human, and foster greater understanding and empathy for one another. 

Additional Resources:

• There Was A Baby book for grieving siblings
• The Peaceful Mother emotional regulation posters for kids
• Bigger Than The Whole Sky song by Taylor Swift

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Transcript

Katie Kurpanek: 0:10

Hi, everybody. Thank you for joining me today on the All Things sustainable podcast. This episode is not at all the episode that I had planned to wrap up Season Four with. We have been in season focusing on eco minded parenting and caretaking. All of the episodes in this season have been incredible with such amazing guest speakers. And I highly recommend that you go back and listen to any that you may have missed. And I had actually already recorded the final episode that I had planned for this season. It was just myself as I typically do, wrapping up the season, sharing my own reflections on this topic. And in that episode, in particular, I was sharing my top three sustainable habits that I feel like my family has personally developed with one child, and then our top three goals for how we wanted to continue living sustainably as we grow our family. And that episode was officially announcing our pregnancy on this show. That episode now lives on my Patreon account, if you'd ever like to see it, it is it's there. The patreon link is in the show notes patreon.com/all Things sustainable. One of the perks of being a patron of this show is that you get early access to all the episodes. But that is probably the only place that that episode is going to live now. Because with deepest sadness, I have to now instead record this episode where I am sharing with you all our pregnancy loss. And I've been thinking about this episode, whether or not to even record it, first of all, and if I did record it, what should the content be? And what should it not include? And how do I navigate all of this having the unique platform that I have. But throughout the entire miscarriage journey as I thought about it, it just felt like something that we need to talk about. And I finally decided after I realized that October is actually nationally recognized in the US as pregnancy and infant loss Awareness Month that this feels like the exact time that I should be sharing an episode like this with you all. So that being said, this episode is going to be very different from the usual formatting of this show. It will be by far the most vulnerable and personal episode to date. And it will be very raw, because at the time of this recording, I am just sharing these thoughts only days after Finley's passing. So my hope is that somehow my own ramblings and verbal processing of this event in my life will somehow be able to help you. And if you are listening, and you have experienced a pregnancy loss, or you're currently going through it, or you know someone who has and you just want to better understand what this is like and how to be able to support your loved one, then my hope is that there will be something in this episode that resonates with you. Of course, my experiences are my own and I can only share what it's been like for me personally, this does not universally apply, right, to all pregnancy loss stories. For example, I haven't ever experienced an ectopic pregnancy loss, or a stillbirth. My pregnancy losses, I've had two of them now. And they were not a relief like it is for many people. Each of these pregnancies were something that we had been hoping for and planning for and counting on. So all that to say these experiences are my own. But if there's anything that I share that can help you or resonate with you, I just I want to be able to share that and I'm thankful for the opportunity to hold this space with you. So I have had three pregnancies now and only one of which has given us our son Eliud, who is about to turn three. Some terminology right up front, so a rainbow baby, you may have heard the term, a rainbow baby is a living baby that is born after a loss like Eliud, so our son Eliud is our rainbow baby. He's not really a baby anymore, but that would be the term that we use for him. And an angel baby is used to describe a pregnancy or an infant loss. So we have our rainbow baby Eliud and we now have two Angel babies Zoì and Finley. I'm going to share with you some of their stories, mostly Finley's being the most recent, I'm going to talk about the impact of pregnancy loss and the grief and some of what that process can be like for a miscarriage or a pregnancy loss. That's a term that I prefer better. And I'll get into the reasons for that later. I'm going to do my best to share the reality of this process for many people, but try to balance not sharing too much graphic detail. There is one point in this episode when I describe Finley's loss. And for listeners that may want to skip over that if that feels like too much, this is my trigger warning for you. Now, you can just skip that part of the episode if you'd like. But this is important to me to share. Because before my first loss with Zoì I had absolutely no idea what to expect with a miscarriage, I had no idea, no concept for what it was going to be like. And I find when I talk to other people that that is all too common the case, even though statistically one in four pregnancies, ends in a loss. So this is too common, it's too relatable of a topic to not be talked about and to be treated as taboo in my opinion. And I completely understand how private and how vulnerable this experience is, and that it is not something that every person is going to want to talk about. And that is 100% okay, and I completely support that. But for those who are wanting to learn, who are wanting to understand more of what this process can be like, and for those who are willing to share their stories, that's where I want to help bridge this gap. I have this unique platform with this show. And I can share my story with 1000s of listeners. So here we are, thank you for being with me in the highs and the lows. And let's talk about pregnancy loss. First, I want to start with the joy of Finley's story. So Finley's measurable life with us was short, eight weeks and one day, but the joy, the impact that he had is immeasurable, and will live on forever. So we had been trying for six months to get pregnant again. And month after month, this year, my period would come and it took so much effort to not get weighed down by disappointment and discouragement, and fear. And then somehow, in the month of July when I least expected to actually get pregnant, we did. But we wouldn't find that out for another month. And I actually love this part of the story. So in August, I had my very first Reiki experience. If you've never heard of Reiki, I also didn't know anything about that before. I highly recommend some time after this episode, you go look it up. It's an incredible tool that you can use for healing. And there's not enough time to get into all of that. But anyway, I had my very first Reiki session in August on a Monday evening. And I cannot describe to you what this was like at the end. But by the end of this experience, I felt like the only way I can describe it is like this spiritual or mystical connection to my womb, my abdomen, my my womb for the rest of the night. Like I just felt that there was life in there. And so the very next morning, that's what prompted me to take a pregnancy test. And it was positive. And I still was surprised. Like, I felt so strongly this connection to my body and that there was life in there. And yet still, I think that part of me that was trying to like not be disappointed, was still like really surprised that it actually said positive. And I cannot tell you like I can't accurately express the most giddy sense of joy that I felt like I've never had such giddiness that is the only word that keeps coming to my mind such joy. In that moment. I was so excited. And I had the most fun planning how to surprise Kevin because I had never been able to, to do that with our previous two pregnancy experiences, and how to surprise our family and our friends. Being able to include Eliud in the process of that was so joyful and it is something that I will forever be thankful to have had that experience. I was absolutely thankful for each pregnancy of course that I've had but Finley's experience was just very unique. It was a joy that we had never been able to feel at the beginning of our prior pregnancies. With Zoi, that was our very first pregnancy. And the moment I found out, I was pregnant, I was actually just so scared. I was like, consumed with fear, I was already worried I had been doing everything wrong, or I hadn't prepared my body properly. And I was excited. But I was also just really scared. And then, soon after that, we found out that we were losing her, even though like we had already been pregnant for a while, and I didn't know it. And so I'll get into a little bit of that story later. But we were about 10 weeks along with Zoi. But the turnaround time, with us knowing and then losing her was very quick. And then with Eliud, when we found out we were pregnant with him, it was because I was in the middle of a lot of like, medical complications, I was going to doctor's appointments, trying to figure out something that was wrong with me. Didn't know that I was pregnant. And so of course, when I found out then immediate fear again set in and I was so sure that we were going to lose that pregnancy, because of everything that was happening. And then miraculously, we didn't and everything got better. And we had an incredible pregnancy and birth experience with him that I am forever thankful for. But all this to say, we had never experienced just kind of like your typical traditional, like, oh my gosh, we found out we're pregnant, we're so excited. And we get to like, you know, I get to find a way to like surprise my husband and tell him and tell our family and that that is what we got to experience with Finley. So this part of the story brought so much joy at first. And and also another fun tidbit is that we the day that we found out so Monday evening was the the Reiki session and then Tuesday morning, I took the test found out we were pregnant. And that happened to be August 22, which is national rainbow baby day. So of course, I took this as a sign that Finley was going to be another rainbow baby and that this was all going to work out. I was so sure that everything was going to be okay. This time. It felt like all the signs were lining up and pointing toward a smooth and beautiful, healthy pregnancy. I was even having cravings like that whole next month I was having wild cravings like you typically hear with a pregnant person that I had never had before, either with the other pregnancies and it was just fun. Like, you know, craving like tons of pickles and this amazing vegan cheese and so much chocolate like just really fun pregnancy cravings. So all this to say, over the next month, Finley brought us pure joy, pure bliss. And that is the sweetest beginning of a pregnancy that we could have asked for. And I'm so thankful for it. Then in an instant, everything changed. And the story continues to have really wild moments from here. So like I said, we found out on a Tuesday morning, August 22, National rainbow baby day, and the night before was a Monday, my Reiki session. Exactly four weeks later, on Monday night, September 18, we found out that we had lost baby Finley. So the previous week, I had begun spotting, just lightly spotting, which, you know, like you hear that's common when you're pregnant and like it doesn't always mean that there's a cause to worry. And then I eventually developed some pain but in my lower back. And since I had abdominal cramping with Zoi's loss, I kept trying to remain positive this time and hopeful and was convinced that it must just be a kidney stone, which is something that I experienced during my pregnancy with Eliud, which is a whole other story for another time that we don't have time to get into. But that's what I convinced myself was happening. So I even went to an ultrasound that Thursday to check on the baby and Finley measured on track right on schedule eight weeks and one day. And it took a long time with the ultrasound monitor machine to find the heartbeat, which was absolute torture, laying on that bed and just searching for it and searching for it. But we finally the midwife and I finally saw something that we deemed as a heartbeat just long enough to feel like okay, that was it, but not super positive. But then we combined that with the knowledge that the baby was measuring on track growth wise, so we assumed things must be okay and this was probably just a kidney stone or a UTI. So the emotions of that week just up and down and up and down. So I left there feeling like okay, things might be okay. But then that weekend, the pain increased. And then so did the bleeding. And then Monday morning, September 18, exactly four weeks from the night that I knew that I was pregnant, my bleeding became like the flow of a normal period, it was no longer just spotting. So we decided to go back for another ultrasound that Monday night. And not only was that exactly four weeks from the night that I just knew I was pregnant. It was also the four year anniversary of my first pregnancy loss was Zoi. Four years on that day, we lost Zoi. And I was about 10 weeks along with Zoi. And this time with Finley, I should have been measuring nearly 9 weeks along. So it just, the connections between these two, I don't understand them. I don't, it's just the wildest coincidence. But anyway, we went into that appointment. And I just had this sinking feeling that I needed to trust my body that my body knew something was wrong, before I had allowed my mind to accept it. And sure enough, we searched and we searched with that ultrasound, but we could not find a heartbeat. And then to be absolutely sure, we measured Finley and the measurements were showing eight weeks and one day, which is exactly what they were the previous Thursday when I went in. So it hit me in a wave of grief. Tears just started streaming down my face as I looked at the little image on the screen. And I realized that I had seen Finley's final day of growth, final day with a heartbeat that we know of. And then he let go. And that was a gift. So the midwife stepped out to give Kevin and I privacy in that room, and we just cried brokenhearted together. And we tried to gather ourselves to figure out what comes next. And you know, my mind starts racing and jumping to all the steps ahead. In an instant, you know, all the joy and the hope and the dreams that we had, were just lost in one moment. And all the fear of the pain and the grief that I knew was just beginning because I'd already been there before with Zoi. All the torturous What did I do wrongs? And How am I going to tell so and so, you know, all of that ringing through my head. But what rang so loudly over and over was something that I had never had to deal with before with Zoi, which is now How am I going to tell my toddler? How do we deliver something so heartbreaking to him in a way that he would understand that toddler appropriate, but wouldn't feel traumatized by? There wasn't enough time for any of that, of course, the midwife rejoined us and now we had to just walk through the next steps reminding ourselves of what is to come with the rest of this miscarriage process what to expect yet again. And then you know, the fear kicks in like over the next few days, I'm supposed to be really in tune with my body watching for too much blood. If I soak through a pad per hour, that's too much. If I, and again, I'm going to try to balance being real with you all just so that you can understand more of what this can be like, but not too graphic. So skip anything you don't want to hear. But you know the next few days I needed to watch for too much blood, I needed to watch for blood clots that are larger than an egg. Both of these things mean that I need to go to an emergency room if they were to happen. I need to watch for signs of infection. Like if I get a fever, chills, blood or discharge that smells foul because of the decaying process inside of me. If I have signs of infection, go to the emergency room. All of these things are something I'm supposed to be so in tune with now. And I also thoroughly remembered the process of delivering Zoi's remains at home the last time, and this is the part that I don't think many people even consider when they hear about a miscarriage or pregnancy loss if they've never had one. I certainly never thought about this before. I just did not have anyone talking to me about it. But if you don't end up needing a medical procedure to remove the fetus from your body, then that typically means that your body is going to naturally deliver it from you. After having given birth to our son Eliud it was only then that I looked back on the experience I had with Zoi and I realized that that was a mini labor and a mini birth in itself. It's exactly what that feels like. So typically, the bleeding continues to increase your when your body gets close to delivering the fetus, you experience more abdominal cramping because your uterus is contracting, and it's pushing everything out. So you're advised to stay home as much as you can, and to get the support you need in order to do so. And then when the worst of it comes the worst of the the contracting pain and the bleeding. That usually feels like labor for a few hours. And that's a good time to just get to a toilet and just sit and wait. This is what I experienced with Zoi. Everything escalated naturally as it should over a few days. And my body actually delivered the entire gestational sac as a whole with Zoi inside at home. That's what I assumed would happen again with Finley, and that is not what happened with Finley. So this is the part if anybody doesn't want to know these kinds of details, just feel free to skip forward a few minutes. Okay, let's back up a minute. So we find out that we're just over a month pregnant with Finley on August 22. Four weeks later, on the four year anniversary of Zoi's passing, we find out that we've lost baby Finley, then it took my body four more days to finally deliver the remains. And that took place on Friday, September 22. So exactly one month, from the day that we found out August 22. The circle of completion of delivering Finley's remains, September 22. Everything about this just feels wild to me, I don't understand it. It's an incredibly mystifying and confusing experience, a somehow connected series of events, I don't know what any of it means or if it means anything at all. But it just seems like Finley was meant to be for some reason. But my body did not deliver Finley naturally like it did with Zoi, for whatever reason, the bleeding and the cramping didn't increase on its own. And so when we had passed the one week mark, where we knew Finley had stopped growing at eight weeks in one day, the previous Thursday, when I got to that next Thursday, sorry, Friday, my body was now at nine weeks and two days of of carrying Finley within me and my midwife and I decided that it would be good to take your prescription that would help move things along because we didn't want to risk getting infected if Finley wasn't coming out quickly enough. Not only that I hated the waiting. Just day after day after day of nothing changing quickly enough, nothing moving fast enough, the constant worry of infection lingering in the back of my mind. And then on top of that, the overwhelming sense that my body had been now hosting death within me for over a week. That was just, I couldn't shake that. And it's it is something that I don't know how to accurately describe. It's just an experience that I hope to never ever go through again. So we decided to go with that prescription Friday morning the 22nd I took the pills that she

prescribed at 9: 23:39

30am After my toddler went to school, and I was really hopeful that this would just like knock things out within the few hours that he goes to school for a half day. I laid down like the instructions said to help my body absorb them. Within two minutes my stomach was on fire like just like I had never experienced before. I watched TV and tried to sleep tried to distract myself while I just waited. And to say that I was disappointed is an understatement that it came time to pick Eliud up from school and my body had still not delivered anything. Kevin was able to take the day off of work. He went picked up Eliud and took care of him after that. And I just felt useless. I felt like a burden. Even though Kevin has been nothing but supportive. never said anything to make me feel that way. The weight of everything that was happening all at once was just a lot to carry. He was able to pick up Eliud, when they got home I thought maybe I could go on a walk with them since nothing was really happening other than my stomach being on fire. That really moved things along. That escalated very quickly. So within minutes of just trying to walk around our neighborhood with them we went back home, the cramping the contracting within my uterus was so intense, it felt like labor with Eliud. Except, I would actually say that this felt way worse because it didn't seem to let up. Like, at least with giving birth to Eliud, I had a fully natural birth unmedicated and everything. But those contractions would at least like surge and then they would pause like there was a break. This was just like, forced contracting of my uterus that was constant. So I went right back upstairs, I lay down and tried to like watch TV again and distract myself. But for the next few hours, that was incredibly intense and painful. And then finally, around 7:30pm, I just felt the urgency to get to the bathroom. And so I stood up. And I could just feel this, like downward rush, like, everything just starting to spill out of me, I quickly got to the toilet. And then, to spare you the too much graphic details, I needed to be there for a good long while, I called for Kevin to please like put on a TV show for Eliud downstairs and to come up and help me. And thankfully, Eliud was able to stay distracted the whole time. And Kevin was able to help me. So with this medical aid, with the prescription that I took, my body did not deliver the entire gestational sac like it did with Zoi as a whole. This time, I lost a lot of blood. And it's hard to know exactly how much because everything was just flowing out of me, I felt incredibly sick. And it took everything in me to not pass out while Kevin and I collected the remains that had passed through me into a container, it took a long time to feel like everything was complete and passed through and collected. Kevin helped me to clean up. And then I just had to lay down on the bathroom floor so I wouldn't pass out and just was drinking coconut water and eating chocolate chips. Because he just felt like that would be what my body would need. In the moment, I couldn't tell you, if that's actually what you should feed your body in an experience like that. So don't take my word as like, nutritional advice at all. But he thought maybe that would help replenish some electrolytes and help my blood sugar levels. And so that's what I did. And it did seem to help. And then by 8:30pm, I was finally feeling enough energy back to move back into the bed. You know, Kevin helped clean everything up and said goodnight to my toddler. And since it was already dark outside, we wanted to be able to have a burial for Finley, but we just basically froze the collected remains overnight so that we could bury them the next day. And that is a choice that is deeply personal. It's not always the right thing or attainable thing for everyone. It's not what we were able to do with Zoi. But this was an important decision for us. So that's what we did. The next day, I asked Eliud if he would like to help me paint a little box so that we could put the baby back into the earth. I will share more on this later how we navigated this whole conversation earlier in the week with him. But we painted this box, Kevin discretely transferred all of the remains out of eyesight from Eliud so that he wouldn't see any of that. He transferred all the remains into that box that we had painted, put the lid on it. I had Eliud helped me pick out some flowers from a bouquet that a friend had sent us we cut some flowers, he picked one for himself, one for daddy, one for mommy. And then together we all walked outside and we had just a quiet corner of our backyard with a tree that we decided would be a good resting place. So together we dug the little grave. Eliud wanted to help with his shovel, so he brought his little shovel over and we placed the box inside the soil. We each placed our little flowers around it. And Eliud also wanted to add in some pine cones, so we decorated with pine cones. And then Kevin and I read just a small note and put that note into the ground as well with the box. And then we gently returned the soil to its place and covered everything up. Kevin formed the pine needles into a heart around the site, and Eliud and I arranged some pine cones around this big rock that he had found on top of the site. So it was really beautiful. It was heart wrenching and healing at the same time. It brought us a lot of closure I think much more than we were able to do with Zoi. And I know that this situation isn't possible for everyone or may not feel right for everyone. But I was really thankful for this opportunity to give Finley sort of like a ceremony and to bring us that sense of closure. Okay, if you're still with me at this point in the episode, I hope that that means that something is resonating with you. I hope that you either feel less alone, if you're going through this or that maybe you feel a deeper sense of understanding of what pregnancy loss can be like, for someone that you know. The thing is early, early pregnancy loss is classified as any miscarriage 12 weeks and under. But in a typical 37 to 40 week pregnancy, 12 weeks and under that's a significant amount of time and growth that has already passed. For many pregnancies just for context for many pregnancies between 10 and 12 weeks, a medical procedure is needed to remove the fetus because it's already too much for the body to pass alone. In my two experiences personally, as I've shared here, around 10 weeks the first time and just over 8 weeks, the first the second time, my body was able to deliver them, but not without noticeable distinguishable factors of growth that we could see in the delivery. And then for many of those who lose their pregnancies even earlier than eight weeks, it can be likened to having a very heavy, very intense period for a long amount of time. My point overall is that for every comment from someone who is ignorant to these experiences, whether they are well meaning or not, comments like well, at least your loss was early or why is it such a big deal when the fetus wasn't even fully grown? Just stop, just don't say it. This is not comforting in the slightest, even comments like, well, there must have been something wrong so it's a good thing that your body got rid of it for you. I've gotten that comment. These comments hurt, they don't help, at least in my experience. That's how I feel about it. Because we, we being anyone who has actually gone through this, we already know something was wrong. We don't need you to say that. And we know that this baby was in the early stages of of developing, it doesn't mean that our hopes and our dreams were in the early stages of developing. No matter how long or how little a pregnancy lasted, if this pregnancy was desired, then there was so much more that was lost than the fetus alone. And even if the pregnancy wasn't desired, I have heard from many people that the physical, mental and emotional toll that the entire miscarriage process takes on your body, that is enough to leave a lasting impact in itself. It's been a few days since losing Finley that I'm recording this and my body is still sore, it's still exhausted, it's still cramping intermittently, and it's still bleeding. The amount is decreasing each day. But all of this is still happening for me. What I'm saying is that no part of this experience is a small deal. Biologically and psychologically, this is typically a traumatizing event in some way. While we're at it, Let's go ahead and talk about the term miscarriage. I have come to hate this term and I try to use it as little as possible. I prefer to use the term pregnancy loss instead. Miscarriage seems to imply that something was done wrong. Like when you misinterpret someone or you made a mistake. You misunderstand you misspell misuse mislead mismanage. The mis in miscarriage implies that you mis-carried your baby, you did something wrong. And again, this is my personal preference. But ever since I've shared my story with my first loss with Zoi, I have heard countless stories from people who have experienced pregnancy loss as well. And one of the most common things that we can all relate to is the torture of the whole, What did I do wrong? And the constant searching for a why that makes sense. Even though most of us don't usually find one. I have a million little reasons that I've come up with for why I might have lost Zoi or might have lost Finley, none of them are for sure. None of them actually helped me feel better. And I know that there are tests out there that can help to determine possible causes. I did check all my blood work after losing Zoi to see if I could adjust anything medically or nutritionally for my next pregnancy. And I think these are very helpful tools. But I can't allow myself to constantly wonder why and to constantly try to figure out what it is exactly I might have done wrong. The sad reality is for whatever reasons, pregnancy loss is something that one in four pregnant people will endure. I hate it, I want to change it. And I will continue to do everything I possibly can to prepare my body for a healthy pregnancy, hopefully, in the future. And I hope others will experience that too. But I cannot hold myself or others in a continuous state of guilt when the grief is heavy enough. So when I share my experiences, I carefully use the term pregnancy loss, because that's what it was. Okay, we're going to eventually bring this in for a close you all, I am, I'm going to share a few more things, I mentioned grief, I want to talk about grief. And then I want to talk about support. So grief is a heavy burden to carry. And the way that each person carries it is not always going to be the same. We may follow the typical phases of grief, sure. But even these don't always come and go at the same time or look the same for each person. Grief is deeply personal. I want to share a little bit of what my grief journey has looked like. Just in the four days of waiting between finding out that we lost Finley to actually delivering the remains at home. This in no way could possibly capture the countless tears that have been shared and the overwhelming weight of all of it. But if it helps for you to have a snapshot of this grief to find that you're not alone, or to possibly understand someone else grieving in your life, then I have just like a few snippets of some journal entries from those couple of days of waiting. So on September 19, the day after we learned we had lost Finley, I wrote, I'm having a really hard time waiting, just waiting, holding this death inside me and waiting for it to pass through me. There's no escaping it. Every single trip to the bathroom and seeing my own blood is a blunt reminder, every twinge and throb of pain. I don't want to do anything. I just want to cry and grieve and sit. And at the same time, I feel like I need to speed the process up. Like I can't just sit and wait for who knows how long. I know I can trust my body. But I hate every minute of the waiting. The dread of knowing what's coming, having been here before, feels harder to hold. It's going to take a long while for life to not feel overcome by grief once again. And that waiting scares me too. On September 20, I wrote, I want to break things. I want to scream until I can't breathe. I can't seem to cry enough. I'm so angry and so incredibly sad. This is so much harder in some ways going through this loss with a toddler this time. On the one hand, I'm even more deeply grateful to have him, he's a miracle. I'm soaking up and breathing in every embrace, every word, every cool trick that he wants to show me. And we're also navigating the conversations of death and loss and grief together. It's not only my dreams and Kevin's that are being shattered this time, Eliud talks about how the baby is gone now, and how big brother's are the best, and how he wants to help pat pat the baby and snuggle the baby. And how he wants to have two babies next time with blue and green hair. There's so much loss here. It's such a painful layer of depth. And I'm learning in the moment how to balance my emotions with his, how much of mine to show him. And in my breaking moments where I feel like I've held too much in and then all my grief comes roaring out in a way that feels directed toward him, then I'm broken again. I don't know how to navigate this. I don't even know if I could handle trying again, putting us all through this experience again. How could I even be happy if I were to find out that we were pregnant again in the future? It's 15 steps ahead. I know. But my mind races there. This one body, this one womb has held three lives and two deaths. The same womb for three different babies. What changes? And is it right to try and host another life in the same place? And the final snippet I'll share with you from the day before we passed Finlay's remains, September 21, I shared, I don't want to sleep. I keep fighting it every night. I keep trying to cope with distraction. If I sleep I have to wake up to the reality of waiting an entire day again that much sooner. Now knowing what's going to happen next for hours on end. Everything feels on hold. I don't know how to focus on work or texting people back or cooking or anything. I'm going through the motions of the things that I have to do each day, all the while trying to push the all consuming thoughts of holding death within me, and just aching for it to be over, fully over. And then there's the fear, fear of infection, fear of needing a procedure for removal, fear of pain and excessive bleeding, constantly being on watch for all of these things, trying to read my body's signs all day long. It's exhausting, but I can't sleep. I was, and I am, so angry. And it comes in waves, anger, overwhelming sadness, heartbreak. For the past two weeks, I've just wanted to be alone. I haven't wanted to see or talk with nearly anyone just wanted to sit in the depths of sadness, I'm exhausted. And I'm just now beginning to come out of this hole. And it's very, very hard to show up. When most people around you are still living their best lives and carrying on with each day seemingly lighter than what you're feeling. We have been endlessly grateful for the community that has already wrapped themselves around us in this season. And that they've been able to do so in ways that honor our wishes to grieve alone right now, while still feeling their immense love and support from a distance. I'm going to share some of these examples with you and how they've supported us in a few minutes so that you might have some ideas as well. But right now, if you're listening to this, and you find yourself reflected here at all in my story, please know that you're not alone. As my friend empathized with me the other day, the process of going through a pregnancy loss is quote, a cruel torture for something so utterly heartbreaking. Unfair isn't big enough of a word. And she also encouraged me just by seeing this part of the process too, because she's been there. She said, I can imagine you've had a hell of a day, my brave friend, brave when there was no other choice but to be strong and brave. So I share with you, dear listener, if you have gone through this, or you're currently going through this pregnancy loss, You are so brave, you are strong, you are stronger than you think. None of this means that you won't absolutely break down or feel crushed by the weight of all of your grief. No, that is normal. And that is okay. You are okay. This is an impossibly difficult situation to navigate. And you're going to make it through this. I don't know what your future holds. I don't know what my future holds. I don't know what further heartbreaks and heartwarming moments are gonna lie ahead. But I know that you are doing the best that you know how to do. Keep taking one day, one hour, one breath at a time. This is hard, there is no right way to grieve, there is no right way to feel. You are doing your best. So I want to bring this episode in for a close by sharing with you all some of the ways that my husband and I have cared for ourselves and each other, as well as our toddler now, and I want to share some ideas for anyone listening who hasn't personally gone through this loss but wants to support a loved one who has. Again, all of these things come from my personal experiences, they do not universally, universally apply. So take what feels right and applicable to you. And then feel free to leave the rest. So the first piece of support that I could share with you is to take some time and space, take as much as you can. This looks different for everyone. With Zoi, for example, I had to work all the way through the loss. I went home in the middle of my shift, I just had to leave when I could tell that things were really ramping up. And I got home just in time to sit in the bathroom and deliver the remains of Zoi. I think I took a day or two off of work and then I had to go right back into it all. With Finley this time around, I have had the privilege of being able to work for myself and work from home. And I've continued to work on all of the things that need to get done, then I've been able to cancel as many meetings as possible that could wait until later. The Monday through Friday of losing Finley, I didn't work at all. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I allowed myself space for the sadness. And I'm really thankful that I could do that. So whatever this might look like for you, I encourage you to give yourself some time and some space to be alone or be with someone that you feel safe with and hold space for all these emotions because they are important. Another recommendation to support yourself is to memorialize your loss in some way. And I know that this is a deeply personal choice. Again, take what feels right for you. There is no right way to grieve or to memorialize your loss, and to bring closure, but these are some of the ideas that have helped me or people I know. So the first is, if you're able to name your baby, it has been so incredibly healing for my husband and I to be able to refer to our pregnancy losses by name, rather than just saying like the baby all the time or it. You know, with both of them, they were 10 weeks and 8 weeks ish, so we didn't know exactly the gender but the first loss felt like a girl. And we chose the name Zoi because Zoi means Life. And that was significant for us for our first time being pregnant, our first loss. And then with Finley, we had the name Finley picked out for months and months, we knew as we were trying to get pregnant, that the next baby we were going to have was going to be named Finley. And I, of course, envisioned raising Finley for their entire life. And I wanted that, I really wanted to have a living child named Finley. But we've been attached to this name for so long, and we had been calling the baby within me Finley for so long that it didn't feel right to give that name to anybody else. So we landed on sticking with the name Finley, it means Courageous One, and that name has become so fitting for this whole situation. So Zoi and Finley, it's helpful to be able to refer to those losses by name, if that's something that resonates with you. If it's possible for you to do something like providing a burial, like we were able to do with Finley that can be incredibly healing. If that's not possible, you know, you could put together something like a shadow box, my friend sent me a beautiful picture of a shadow box that she and her husband have at their home with little like, just mementos and meaningful pieces of imagery and things that related to that pregnancy, the cremated remains of their baby, that could be something that's an option for you to hang up in your home. You could do something as simple as painting a rock and placing that somewhere in your home outside on your porch, you could plant a tree or just have a household plant that you designate in their honor. This was something that I did with Zoi, the first, the first loss, I got a tattoo, and I'm already thinking about adding to it for Finley. So I got you know, a tattoo that represents just a sprout of growth didn't develop into a full, beautiful plant, but it was a sprout of growth. And it's a very meaningful tattoo in Zoi's honor. And I'll figure out something to add for Finley as well. And then another idea for, you know, some sort of memorial or tribute, if you want to acknowledge that day of passing each year, you know, like, with Zoi's and now from this point forward with Finley's days, we're going to light a candle, and we typically bake something special, we commemorate that day, and we honor it as a family. Whether you want to call it the anniversary of their passing or their birthday, because like we talked about before, it really is like a mini birth. That could be a way to honor that day and that heartache. Some ideas for supporting yourselves and another child if you have another child or more at home with you, in this time of loss. This adds an additional layer of grief and heartache. Although you may feel so extra lucky to have them and you may take comfort in that. It's no less heartbreaking to have to explain this experience if you choose to do so. You may not want to and that's okay. But if you choose to explain this to your child, and you have to regulate both their emotions and your own, that's a lot to have to handle. Our birth center recommended the book called There Was A Baby by Laura Camerona. She's a Certified Specialist helping children to cope during stressful life events. And the book is written appropriate for ages 1 through 11. We've been very thankful for its language and its beautiful illustrations as a guide with our nearly three year old through these conversations. We've had many discussions in the past couple of weeks around the baby dying in mommy's belly and we read that it's good at this age to use specific words like dying or death, rather than something ambiguous like the baby's just gone or the baby is lost. Because they don't, they can't conceptualize that, and it might create more fear in them. So we've had discussions around how the baby that was in mommy's belly, you know, we named them Finley, and the baby died, the baby stopped growing. And we don't know why. But that's what happened. We talked to him, after the fact, when I had delivered Finley how we said, you know, the baby came out of Mommy, and we're gonna put him back in the earth. And, you know, we didn't have him see any of that any of the, the graphic reality of it, but having him be part of painting the little box, cutting the flowers, and all of that, he was able to conceptualize with us putting this item back into the earth, and recognizing that, that's where it's home is now. And I think that closure really helped. We've talked about how he's still a big brother. And that baby will always be part of our family. And we hope to bring another baby home to live with us one day. So having these conversations daily, for the past couple of weeks, has brought up a range of emotions within me, sometimes I'm able to handle it really calmly. And other days, I, it's too much. And I'm so sad. And I've had to balance how much of that sadness I want him to see. Because I think it's important for him to still see these emotions and to recognize that mommy and daddy can be sad, and he can be sad, too. And this is all okay, and we're here for each other. I highly recommend the emotional check in posters and tools from The Peaceful Mother. If you look up her website, and her social media, the peaceful mother, she has so many resources for helping your children to become emotionally intelligent and regulated. But her printables on her website are really helpful. We have a little, like emotional check in corner now of our home. And it's been so helpful in this phase, to be able to go over there to that corner with Eliud and to like, look at the posters on the wall and identify visually, here's how I'm feeling. And he'll ask me now mommy, how are you feeling? And he'll tell me how he's feeling. And then there's posters that have a lot of ideas of like what you might need to help you regulate. So that's been a really incredible tool if you want to check that out. And lastly, you may need to rely extra heavily on TV time, or something mellow, that allows your child to be entertained, while you give yourself a breather. It's okay, I know that this is hard. And this likely isn't the routine that you're used to. But it's not going to last forever. This is a season where you need to care for yourself in order to be fully present and care for your kids. So you may need to rely on that. And that's okay. Give yourself a break. Give yourself some grace. Speaking of that, self care, I mean, self care. Rely on that as much as you possibly can. I know this looks different for everybody but ideas to just throw out there, you know, therapy, talking with close friends and family, some sense of community seeking that out. If you need time alone, recognize that. Ask for help when you need it in order to give yourself some time alone, even if it's just for a few minutes a day. Journaling or creating some form of artwork might be very cathartic. Going to a session like Reiki or yoga might have you very connected to your body and maybe you need that. It's incredibly important for you to rest right now I'm preaching to the choir, I'm telling myself this, you just went through an incredibly traumatic event physically and emotionally and all the things and you need time to heal. Comfort foods can be really really helpful in that time. But of course, you know, eat all the chocolate cake that your heart desires right now but remember to nourish your body because you have been through something so taxing so remember to drink your water remember to eat your veggies, all those things. If you need a good cry, try listening to the song Bigger Than The Whole Sky by Taylor Swift. I'm not even like a huge Swifty or something but I had never heard this song in the context of pregnancy loss before but now I'm convinced that has to be what she wrote it for. She's never that I know of come out and said that she's experienced that but the lyrics are so very spot on. I don't know how she could have written it if she didn't go through something like this but it's been so validating and so healing and it's a beautiful song. So if you need to just cry that might be something that you can go listen to on repeat if you need it. Try to be proactive as much as you can with your partner or your support team, whatever that looks like for you. When you're in moments of feeling calm and grounded, maybe make a plan with those support people for how to help you in the moments where you are not going to be emotionally regulated, or emotionally steady. Grieving is a process that takes a long time. And like we talked about, it will look different for everybody. So coming up with a sort of proactive plan can be really, really helpful. It's easy to take out your heavy emotions on the people closest to you, when those heat of the moment times come. Kevin and I've already walked through a lot of that this week. So again, having some sort of communication or plan to lay the foundation for those moments can be really, really helpful. So that it doesn't feel like absolutely everything is falling apart. Okay, support partners. This is where I'm wrapping up the episode really, I'm turning to you. Now, these are some ideas for helping your loved ones when they're grieving. The thing is, you know your loved ones best. So out of all the ideas that I could share, you need to first respect the wishes of whatever it is that they are asking for. And then take my ideas and figure out how it might be able to be changed are applied to the ones that you love. Because this time around, we were asking friends and family for time and space for us to grieve alone for a while, we had people, we had a handful of people who just delivered homemade meals, left them on our porch and just texted and said, Hey, this is there when you need it. We had a handful of people give us gift cards, you know, whether physically on the porch, or in our inbox, digitally, you know, GrubHub or DoorDash. Meals have been so very helpful in this phase because it can take so much energy to even figure out like what am I going to cook and have to go to the grocery store. And this is just too much right now. So don't underestimate the healing power of food. And childcare, if your loved one has kids, and they may want some help with childcare, you know, always ask maybe they don't want that. But that's another really helpful way to offer some support. We have received some beautiful gifts like flowers or plants, you know, cookies, just little little gifts left on the porch that people have just shown that they care and that they love us. And they're thinking of us. And that's meant so much. Maybe, again, you need to know your person best, but maybe you could ask them when they're ready, you can take them to one of those Rage Rooms where you can buy a ticket to safely break things in a contained environment and let out some of that anger. I mean, it sounds ridiculous. But honestly, sometimes in the grieving process when you're just so filled with anger, and you want to break things, like it's not a bad idea. And then lastly, texting, or calling whatever you know that your person prefers, check in with them. And don't forget about them. Because grieving takes many forms for a long time. Like we've said so much in this episode. And maybe put reminders on your phone if you need to. But just check in with them from time to time, ask them how they're really doing, ask them what they need, and just be there to listen, because it's not your job to try to make them happy. That's something that I feel like so many well-intending people in my previous experiences have tried to do, but sometimes I don't want to be happy. Like, this is a really traumatic hard thing that I'm going through, and that I'm processing. And sometimes I just want to be sad, or I want to be angry. And I want to be with somebody who feels safe to do that with. So don't take on the pressure or the responsibility of making that person happy. Just listen to them. Just be with them. And it's a really great way to love them. Okay, this episode was hard. It was hard for me to share. I can only imagine how hard it may have been to listen to. And I don't even know honestly how long it's been, I'm gonna have to figure this out and edit this episode. But thank you for being here. If you are still here, no matter how much of the episode you did or didn't listen to, thank you for leaning into a really uncomfortable topic. I'm incredibly thankful to you all for holding space with me in my grief, for listening to my stories and for simply being here. It means the world to me. Thank you for showing up for yourself if you have experienced pregnancy loss and you needed to find a sense of community in the midst of what can be a highly isolating experience, I can only hope that that is what you found here. And I'm sending you the warmest hugs and all of my love and my heart grieves with yours. Thank you for showing up if you haven't experienced a pregnancy loss, but you want to support someone who has. We need people like you in our lives. We need those friends who are with us through the highs and the lows, who don't shy away from the sorrows and who just want to love us well. Thank you for supporting that person in need in your life, you may just be keeping them afloat. I'm always learning more. And I would love to hear if you have more ideas for supporting someone through this kind of loss that I did not share. Or if you experienced something that I haven't that would be helpful to share. All of my contact information is in the episode description. And finally, if this episode helped you in any way, I would be so appreciative if you could share it somewhere. Share it with a friend who may need to be supported as well, share it on your social media for anyone who may just be suffering silently. Share it with your community if you don't have the bandwidth to list what you need as you grieve, because I've already done so much of the heavy lifting in this conversation, you can just pass that along to them as a resource. Share it wherever you can, and I hope that together we could make this awful, awful grieving process a little bit easier on as many people as possible. I'm sending each one of you the most heartfelt love and gratitude. This is the official closing of season four on the show. But we will be back in a little while with more supporting content on what it looks like to live sustainably. And until then I love you all and I will be with you sometime soon.